>My three year old is quite a handful most days. She’s smart, curious, fearless and precocious, which means that on most days, she gets into something she’s not supposed to be getting into. It doesn’t matter that she’s been told 564 times to not do this or get into that, she must. It’s as if she can’t help herself.
And then it’s time for me to discipline.
Then she’s repentant.
“I wanna be good, Mommy,” she cries through tears and tangled curls.
During one of these scenes recently, I felt a nudge and heard it a little differently. Always before, it seemed she said this because she was trying to get out of trouble. As if the wanting to be good would cancel out the thing she’d done. Or perhaps I’d find her too charming to discipline.
But this time, it seemed that I heard her heart a little differently. Perhaps for the first time, I heard her the way she really meant it.
I want to be good, Mommy. My heart and soul long to do things that please you and make you happy. I want to be obedient. I don’t want to do things that get me in trouble. I want to be… good.
Sounds an awful lot like my prayers.
I want to be a good Mommy. I want to be a good wife. I don’t want to yell at my kids and I don’t want to argue with my husband. I want to be a good Christian and really live out my faith in a way that leaves no doubt that Jesus is in my heart and is Lord of my life; however, so often, I fail and fall short. I fear I’ll be known as a hypocrit instead. I want my flesh to die so that your light in me shines.
I wanna be good.
Did you hear that, God? I want to be good.
But I can’t. Not on my own. I need You. Desperately. Deeply. I can’t do life or marriage or mothering or Christian without You.
I’ve heard it said more than once, that God wants us to be at the point of desperately needing him. That when we’re not enough, He comes and fills in the rest.
If that’s the case, I should be right where He wants me.
* * * * * * * * * *
She talks about stretching in a way that is relevent in this season and to my season.
Just last night, I was talking with someone about the past year. I was saying that I’ve been stretched so much this year that I feel like a Gumby doll. I’ve been streched beyond my comfort zones. I’ve bitten my tongue. I’ve learned a lot about people, church and myself. This year, I’ve had a mirror put in front of me and a spotlight on all the areas in which I need to grow. It’s been overwhelming most of the time and nearly all year, I’ve doubted that I’m in the right place at the right time.
Though God has tried to whisper, He had to pretty much shout it out to me this time. Oh that I would learn to listen to–and believe–that still, small voice.
I’m not sure what will come in the new year, but I have a sneaking suspicion that more stretching and more growing are definitely part of His plan. Perhaps, at some point, I will be good.