I’ve nearly forgotten I have a blog.

*Insert crickets chirping*

Mostly, I haven’t written here because I don’t want to write/talk about the stuff that’s been on my mind and in my heart. Like, with the church stuff, I just don’t want to air my grievances on my public blog and then days (months? years?) later, a friend from that church find my blog and be totally shocked to read what I’ve written.

The other part of it is, I’m trying to figure stuff out. Since October, I’ve been to several doctors and have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS). That’s not bad, really. But it does finally answer the question of why I am SO tired in the afternoons. Turns out, you get sleepy when your blood sugar tanks. The PCOS diagnosis is great since another doctor thought I had a pituitary tumor.

The other thing is, you don’t feel like doing things you enjoy when you’re depressed. I’ve debated about whether or not I should write about it. But it’s not something I should be ashamed of, and I think depression and any mental illness has been taboo for too long, especially among Christians and church circles. It’s not because I haven’t prayed enough or trusted enough or don’t have enough faith. It’s a chemical imbalance in my brain triggered by my Gran’s death. Grief is powerful, and I’ve always known that her passing would be hard on me, but I never imagined it would be this hard. In October, I realized I needed to do something when one day I didn’t want to pick up my daughter from preschool. Not because of her or anything she had or hadn’t done. I just did not want to have to get up off the couch and drive. The only thing I wanted to do was be, and mostly, be alone. I called my best friend who happens to be a doctor and she was really sweet about it. But I laugh now and say that only a really good friend can tell you that you need Prozac.  🙂

I didn’t send out Christmas cards. It just felt like I was going through the motions of the holiday season, and honestly, I just didn’t feel like sending them. For the first time in 12 years of marriage. But I tried to allow myself enough space and enough grace to be ok with what I did and did not want to do.

Shari, I’m so sorry I haven’t sent your shipment. If your address has changed, please let me know.

Since January and with the correct diagnoses, I’ve been trying to get used to having to take medication every day, even twice a day. My body is adjusting to the doses and I’m trying to figure out if I feel right with them and if the dosage is right or whatever. Do I need my antidepressant dose to be increased? How do I do a low-carb diet without getting my blood sugar too low?  How do I motivate myself to get my rear end off the couch and start exercising? I haven’t found the answers to these questions yet, but at least I’m looking. Compared to where I was this past Fall, that’s a huge improvement.

We’re trying to figure out if I should go back to full-time work. What does that mean and what does it look like? Do I go back to school to become a teacher? Do I try to get in the early intervention program that my youngest was enrolled in when she came home from the NICU? A regular 9 to 5 job? Or do I try to find something to do from home? I don’t know.

I can tell you a few things that we are going to do or try this Summer. We’re going to turn off the cable tv. I’m thinking about taking a break from Facebook. I’m hoping we finally finish the kitchen by the end of the Summer (this requires its own post). I’ve found some projects and ideas on Pinterest I’d like to try. I’m going to learn how to cook completely from scratch with no boxed mixes so we can get away from genetically modified food as much as possible.

So. That’s where I am. If you’ve made it this far, thank you.