I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. – 2 Timothy 4:7

Gran finished her race on April 6th.

I knew I would miss her, but I never fully realized that this ache would be so deep. She was the person I shared everything with and now I wonder, who will I talk to now? Who will fill that void?

I know that no one can really fill the void she leaves. I know that there’s ever been and will only ever be one Gran.

As in life, in death she was completely individual and original. At her request, she had a white casket with red interior, which had to be custom ordered. What Betty wanted, Betty got. The services were just perfect, if you can that about funeral services. A heaping helping of humor helped us remember her without tears, if for a moment.

My 7 year old’s heart is so sad. She keeps saying, “I just can’t stand the thought that she’s gone.” When did she grow up and become so mature?

My 3 year old goes back and forth between saying, “I miss Gran so much” or “I love Gran” to “We need to wake up Gran.”

That’s the kind of stuff I don’t remember reading in the “What to Expect” books. How to guide a child through loss and grief.

As for me, I’ve been nearly paralyzed with grief at times and today, I felt lighter for a few hours. Then I saw something that she had given my mother-in-law and was heavy hearted again. This is the way it goes. I know that, and even though it’s been 5 years since our family lost someone, it’s different this time. Partly because we were so close, and my grandfather was closer to my brother and my cousin. Partly because last time, we had 11 months to prepare ourselves, as opposed to 7 weeks. It’s the same in that, with both, I really thought (hoped and prayed) that my grandparent would get well and be with us for years.

She’s been gone for 10 days. I’ve quit counting the times I’ve picked up the phone to call her.