>Can I just have a moment to whine? It seems I do that a lot here, but Hubs and I are on the same page and are on different pages, all at once.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: I want it all.

I know that it means I’m being greedy. I know that it means that I’m just being a baby because I don’t want delayed gratification. It doesn’t feel like it, though, because the things or situations I want aren’t bad, in and of themselves. It’s really a matter of wants vs. needs.

Here’s the deal. Hubs may be getting a bonus soon and in our minds, we’ve planned (read: spent) it a hundred different ways.

Hubs and I agree on these points: We should use part of it to fully fund our emergency fund**. We should use part of it to have our cars worked on (both need maintenance, plus the one I drive most needs some work on the suspension, as well as the broken A/C and/or the switch panel.) We need to pay off a few bills to just get them out of our hair, once and for all. Baby Girl needs mattresses for her Big Girl Bed. My Big Girl needs her walls (finally) repaired so we can get on with finishing her room once and for all. After all that, there’s not much left to go around.

What I want is all of the above, plus a beach vacation.

Sounds greedy when I type it out like that. And really, a vacation is a pretty trivial AND luxurious thing for us, for this economy, for a family that wants to pay off debt sooner rather than later.

The selfish part of me has an argument that goes like this. We never go anywhere or do anything. Yeah, so we go to Cincinnati about once a year, but for health reasons, not for a vacay. The first time we went to the beach was in 2001, when Hubs had a training conference there. It wasn’t really fun because he was in class all day. And then I got completely fried while sunbathing. The next time we went–our first, and thus far only, family vacation with the girls–was 2 years ago in July for my cousin’s wedding. Plus, with all the bill paying, it FEELS like we’ll NEVER have a vacation. Not to the beach. Not to Disney. Never. Nowhere.

See? Told ya I’m acting like a crabby toddler. Who needs a time out. And a nap.

In my head, I know that a lot of people I know don’t always get to go on vacations. I know that there are families we know that don’t do an annual vacation to anywhere. I know that. I lived that. Maybe that’s why I feel so strongly about it.

It’s also hard when every family around us IS going on these trips. To the beach. To Disney. To everywhere I’d like to go, but where I likely won’t get to go, at least for a while. It makes me sad because I had wanted to go to Disney while there was still something magical about it for my oldest daughter. And it seems as though that won’t happen.

I never bought in to Keeping Up with the Joneses. Never. It’s not the stuff I want for my girls or for myself, it’s the experiences. And I know that I’m not supposed to covet, but I find myself yearning for time away to these wonderful places with my family.

The trips themselves are not bad. My attitude is what needs to be adjusted. It’s hard feeling like you’re the only one either in debt or trying to get out of debt, and by doing so, forgoing family vacations and lots of other fun stuff. It sucks, really. It’s lonely. I have tried telling myself that one day, all the living within our means will pay off. I have tried to keep telling myself that we can pride ourselves in not having credit card debt. I try to keep telling myself that any time we have extra money, paying off bills or investing it in to our home with sorely needed updates WILL pay off. One day, I hope, we’ll be able to sell this house and choose one that WE love and choose for ourselves. One day, I hope, we’ll be able to take annual family vacations and do all the fun stuff we aren’t doing now.

**I understand why Dawn at Coal Creek Farms calls Dave Ramsey, “D*** Ramsey.” She’s written some great posts here and here.

It SUCKS trying to save and pay off debt. Why am I just learning these things, at the age of 32?! Oh, how VASTLY differently I would’ve done things!

The funk I am in is affecting lots of different areas for me. First, my attitude is grumpy. Second, I picked a quasi-fight with Hubs because I feel like he shot my vacation idea down and, as I so maturely pointed out, “Sucked the hope out of the room.” Third, I’ve backslidden on my diet (there’s more on that for another post). Fourth, I have to re-motivate myself to get back on track with Fly Lady after not being home for a week. But mostly, I’m just grumpy.